Kristin laid the baby down, stood by the crib, watched her daughter’s chest rise and fall. She turned to the window, stared out at the overcast day. Her breath fogged the window, the chill of the first frost of the season finding its way into the bedroom. Earth and sky met at the tree-line in the distance, bare branches standing out like charcoal streaks on canvas.
Top was dead, her world fallen to pieces.
But she didn’t cry.
Not at first.
No, first was the news. The old man, McQueen, had answered the door the morning the police came. He said she had stumbled, backpedaling from the officers blocking the doorway. He said she stumbled and almost fell, but he caught her. She would have said that she knew, right then, that he was dead. If she was honest, she would have said that she knew the moment the doorbell rang. The senior officer was an older man, not much younger than McQueen.
He was the one that told her.
She remembered the glare of the morning light reflecting off his bald pate and his neatly trimmed white goatee. She remembered his suit, in such contrast to the drab brown of the uniformed officer. She remembered the quick flash of his badge, his introduction of the officer to his left. But most of all she remembered his words. Well, not his words exactly, but the shock that they carried, like she had fallen through the ice of a frozen pond. Disbelief. Numbness. A symphony of static.
And then cold, clinical, calm.
“Are you sure” She asked.
The man in the suit nodded, solemn.
“Yes, ma’am.”
McQueen told her that she nodded.
“How do you kn-“
“We’re sure, ma’am. We don’t think…” The man in the suit paused. “He still had his wallet and ID on him, ma’am.”
She felt the tears on her cheek, but they felt like they belonged to someone else. She felt like she was reading words on paper, lines scripted for another; an understudy.
The man in the suit rubbed his eyes.
“Maybe you should just come down to the station, ma’am. We need you answer some questions about your husband.”
She remembered that McQueen spoke then, put his calloused hand on her shoulders and squeezed, enfolded her in the crook of his arm. He smelled like cinnamon and pipe smoke.
“We’ll do that,” he said. “We’ll do that.”
And so she did.
She didn’t cry at first.
And then she found that she couldn’t stop.